Welcome! A Walk in My Flops

Therapy in the form of blogging? I sure hope so? I believe that if I share my perspective, and it helps someone, it is all worth putting myself out there.

Hello, I am Meredith (not really, I like Grey's Anatomy), and this is my very first blog, EVER, and I’m here to tell my story, as a 44-year-old woman going through many new stages in life as a daughter, sister, mother, wife and career woman.

To set the stage: This blog is intended to be a therapeutic journey that I plan to use for years to come. I feel it is healthy to express thoughts and why not make a hobby out of it (hobbies & interests are an important part of my healing and acceptance of my next phase in life) and sharing with a community that also experiences similar things (major life changes out of our control). Some of those hobbies I am sharing on this site; my love of cooking, photography, those darn Labrador retrievers and channeling my genetic green thumb.  

What’s in a name; Honey’s Chubby, yes, I know, VERY odd but here it is: Years ago, I adopted my first black lab, Buddy, he was my everything and was with me through some of the toughest times in my life in my 20s & early 30s. This animal was so exceptional he knew when a panic attack was setting in and knew to sit in between my legs so I could sit behind him and hold him to provide comfort while I worked through it. When he passed in 2015, I could no longer bring myself to live with another one as I could not bear a loss like that again; I mourned him immensely and perhaps this was the start of losing myself. I could not have a dog-less home, so we got 2 lazy bulldogs (Mack & Lucy). Clowns covered in fur, the best! In 2020 I was getting married to the only man that loves me for me, no matter what (he puts up with me, I’m not easy at times). I planned the whole wedding at our home with only friends and family in attendance and didn’t know I was on the cusp of a break down or downward spiral; it was a decline in everything for me. COVID hit and the world shut down from instilled world-wide fear. I knew I was already mentally in trouble and my health was plummeting; all this time I was suffering in silence trying to figure this out on my own. I figured I needed something to help shift my perspective and push me to start a healing process. I thought of Buddy. Two years after the start of COVID I started working with a breeder to choose another lab.

I found out Chubby was born January 10, 2022, and we could pick him up the first weekend in March. Chubby gave me a new purpose, provided me with tasks as labs need tons of activities. I knew I was in the throes of my funk, and he helped but it was not enough. I knew something more serious was going on with me if a lab could not shine full light on a cloudy day. Fast forward 2 years (future blogs will go in more detail about these in-between events; I’m only getting started). Lucy (bulldog) died right in front of me one, in my arms as my son and I performed CPR without success. Devastated again, I called my breeder and asked if there were any chocolate litters coming up and she already had puppies that were born 2 weeks prior. We brought home Honey in February 2024 and from the start I knew she was going to be a challenge and I was ready for the challenge. We refer to Honey as “Evil Spawn”, yes, Alex from Grey’s Anatomy. If it wasn’t for Chubby and Honey I would have had an even harder time adjusting; see, she is super smart, like service dog smart and is incredibly eager to learn and wants to please; she requires attention to steer in the right direction. Together they are balanced and are the lights at the end of this mid-life crisis tunnel of mine. Hence the name of my blog. They spurred this effort where I have them, my plant chores and getting back into photography with some recipes sprinkled in.

Some tea: Let me tell you, over the last 4 years I have never been so low, feeling like I’m going crazy, nobody understanding and everything I was trying to get right was epically failing which only made me worse. I lost myself completely after my wedding on February 29, 2020. But I suppose that this was all coming to a head in 2020 but started out slowly in 2008. Cliché: Rome was not built in a day and neither did my hormone changes, tragedy, trauma and survivability. I suppose it was a downward spiral that started, and I did not recognize since I was trying to survive and in the process of survival it took over my existence; I was exhausted. In 2020 the bottom dropped out, during COVID, and I had no idea what was happening to me. All I did know was that I had this internal monolog in my head that was evil and played out fictitious scenarios that led me to really hating humankind and I retreated into my tiny bubble. I stopped hanging out with friends because I was embarrassed, and it seemed none of them understood; I only hung out with immediate family but most of the time I was in bed or at work. I had let myself go physically and mentally. I weighed 253 lbs., had high blood pressure, was drinking way too much and my anxiety was back in full force. I was having female issues and gut issues; I was a mess. It was no one’s fault, my brain and body we at conflict and I didn’t know what to do. However, I knew deep down I had to change, if not for family but for myself, I saw myself dying from many ailments that were occurring because of the obesity. I took the first step; I called my family doctor and made an appointment. It was during this appointment, while I explained all the things, she prescribed me medication for depression and anxiety to start my brain rolling in a better direction. After about 6 months I had my annual OB appointment and we reviewed my ongoing issues and decided a partial hysterectomy was in order; I also have breast cancer in my family on both sides, so there’s that too. One problem solved. It felt invigorating! One step closer! It was at this time I went back to my doctor and I asked to try Ozempic since I was pre-diabetic and for weight loss and let’s be honest, in my state, I needed the push. DO NOT COME FOR ME! Women growing older is a mean gift from mother nature and horrendous! We have no control over what is happening to our bodies, and I took the path of least resistance. I am not ashamed and I’m glad I took matters in my own hands. If the body is better the mind will follow. After a little over a year later I have lost 60lbs and counting, my blood pressure has never been better and the voices in my head started to fill with ideas that will make me happy (I was changing my attitude). My kids are 24, 19 and 14 which means they really don’t need me for much, one is moved out, one is about to move out and my daughter is just as independent as her mother. I had time and I could no longer lay around stagnant. My thoughts turned into past interest before survival mode started. And with technology the way it was, and I have a background in IT and web design, I thought why not create a blog site, include my interests and my healing journey. This would not only give me something to do but I would enjoy doing it and creating the content.

This is for our community which I feel does not get enough attention/awareness/truth. We need to support one another whatever we are facing in all life’s stages/phases. I invite your stories, antics, highs, lows and don’t knows and I hope you enjoy the things that have helped me along my journey. I also ask for patience while I find my voice/stride as I discover this new version of myself. I feel I may be bouncing around a bit with content at first, but it will all come together 😊.

As Sir Elton John said, “Music has healing power. It has the ability to take people out of themselves for a few hours. We should never be afraid of saying three simple words: I need help.”

Song inspo: Dax – Depression