Survival Mode Established

I did not realize that starting in 2008 would be the beginning of my proverbial survival mode chapter of my life. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter (we can call her Lexi; yes, another Grey’s tie in) after a 3-month relationship with her father; let’s call him Charles. (Note 1: 3 months is not enough time to really get to know someone). I was at a place in my life where I was financially stable, supported myself 100% and I was 28. I could do this, with or without Charles but at that time he wanted to be there and my feelings for him were growing. I think I almost loved him. So, we worked together towards a common goal, stable home environment to raise Lexi; he proposed to me when I was 4 months pregnant, I said yes. At 6 months pregnant Charles did not come home one night and stated he was hospitalized with “heart related” issues. A week later he came home, I did not go see or talk to him once, I knew something was not right, I’m not a dummy. Charles’s mother forced him to tell me he had been diagnosed with hepatitis C from previous drug use. I discovered/confirmed he was an addict and that he had 3 other children from a previous relationship, and he did not support them nor have contact with them; he ran away to Florida from Massachusetts (Note 2: do not ignore the red flags, trust your gut and act upon it then and there; I didn’t). He was an addict. I lost my shit, got tested, was negative. I made a choice, I was alone, pregnant, and no real family to support me so he promised to get better. I let him stay. (Note 3: NEVER EVER TRUST AN ADDICT). All seemed normal through the birth. Charles was attentive, supportive and we were working as team. 2 weeks after giving birth I married him (Note 4: NEVER EVER make major life decisions after having a baby or while pregnant). When Lexi was 4 months old he disappeared again, this time my bank account was drained and he left a sorry ass note saying he had to go bail his brother out of jail. All a lie. When he did return he was blown out of his mind on god knows what, I let him stay. I was still afraid to be alone with this new tiny human, my fault in bad choices. Insert some trauma here please…

After my Lexi’s 1st birthday I received a phone call from an acquaintance, not a friend, to let me know Charles was driving around with Lexi and his baby momma and son selling drugs AND they were sleeping together. You cannot make this shit up. Whelp, the baby momma called me, also an addict, yelling at me that she was not sleeping with my husband, I told her about his hep C status and she flipped out even more, her anger only confirmed his cheating.  My husband had caught wind of all this and came home, he knew he was busted. For the sake of my family, I gave him a choice even though I have 2 deal breakers in a relationship; if you beat me or cheat on my I am out! Immediately. But I decided to give it 1 more chance. I told Charles that he could stay, go to into a recovery program or he can walk out the door and never come back. That mother fucker walked out the fucking door! I was floored. I had no more choices but to accept his choice and stick to my bottom line. The survivability switch was turned on. I started stepping through the motions as the world passed me by. My focus was to keep Lexi alive, loved, happy and healthy. All we had was each other against the crappy deck we were dealt by no choice of our own. On my own, I had my daughter, enrolled full time in college, had a full-time job, ran a household, you name, it was all my job. I didn’t know it at the time but this was a blessing, it kept my mind off the what happened with Charles; survival.

Long story short with this Charles character. He tried, via DMs, to stay in contact but I had to separate us from him since people were coming to my home looking for the money he owed them for drugs. I divorced him, had both our names changed for our protection. Fast forward 10 years, this whole time he was homeless. We would see him panhandling and would point him out to Lexi (I hid nothing from her from the very beginning). He was eventually arrested for possessing drugs, shoplifting, dealing, you name it. He was sent to jail for 3 months. When he was released he went to a Dollar Tree, stuck a needle in his arm, and since his tolerance was low from the jail time he over-dosed. He was dead, on a Dollar Tree bathroom floor, with a needle in his arm. This was in December 2020, no one was notified till March of 2021. He was tucked away in a freezer, forgotten about. My now husband and I went to go break the news to Lexi and her reaction, from the perspective of a 11-year-old, was ironically raw yet sprinkled with a brush off.

Adding to the survivability mode I was going through a re-connection with my now husband, Mark, when Lexi was 2 almost 3 years old. He came with 2 boys that he had full custody of. Mark and his boys had experienced the same issue with their biological mother, like Lexi’s father. The only difference is she’s alive, was jailed on and off for over a decade and is now trying to get her life in order. They boys have nothing to do with her, that is their choice. Because of our circumstances we decided that we needed to give these kids a safe home environment, a routine they could count on and just be kids. We were successful but, Mark was working out of town for the first 4 years we were together which left me with all the kids, all 5 years apart from one another, and only me to do all the things to provide them what they needed. My focus was making sure all kids had everything they needed and a job so I can make the money for the kids. There was zero room for me. I was a robot, making it through life and during many years till recently I grew further and further from what I used to be and who I was. The Meredith I once knew was no longer.

Song inspo: Dax – Dear Alcohol