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Plant Chores

Plant Chores

Plant Chores

Whoa Bitches! The Dusk of 2024

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Christmas is hitting different this year; it is to be expected but this only means that my family has grown. Which they are supposed to do but there is loneliness, well at least for me. This is a major change for me. After all these years surrounded by kids and family these times together seem infrequent. Not as much time together, one of us is missing by their choice, gifts of extravagance are no longer required and they all have their own lives, without me. I know this is normal, but I am allowed to reflect and feel my feelings of this new season in my life. How do I transition from active mothering 24/7 to stepping back and letting them learn from their mistakes. I may never know how to get there. This is all part of the bigger picture where we evolve and with that evolution we must change. Where do I even begin to touch on all the change that has occurred this year.


This year been filled with all kinds of transitions, changes, revelations and most of all healing myself physically, spiritually and emotionally. With all this self-discovery and the changes that have transpired, and the actions that have been made to make the change whether good, bad or horrifically ugly has been a learning experience. But this is life, if we do not bend to the onslaught of these circumstances, I have found that, I feel stuck, and change does not happen. I become stagnant, depressed, hell, I even challenge my sanity at times. I am learning to accept this new season in my life and instead of challenging everything that comes my way I prefer to accept the challenge, determine some sort of outcome, or take my time to determine my next steps. I must put myself first at this time in my life. Don’t get me wrong, certain family aspects still trump everything but I must be well to make the world around me ok.  


Some of the noteworthy items are from this year: Changing my attitude at work (still skeptical), family losses, my brother reaching out to come visit (trust me, this is huge), new puppy, grand puppies and losing the bullies, Mark coming to me about his health concerns (super scary), panic attacks are back, Lexi driving, taking on this blog and getting back to photography, extending my green thumb throughout the house, continuation from last year’s health journey (living long & prosperous), converting my home into a personalized safe space, realizing and interested in my mortality, learning my next chapter of what I want to be, and prioritizing myself.


There’s my positive self, not all changes are negative. See, I’m feeling more positive already for 2025. But am I? Sure, why not, BRING IT!


My major sadness from this year, and this one stings:  Andrew left the house, abruptly, for matters that will remain private except to say that he is in dire need of help and will not/does not recognize the situation he is in. On top of this abruption he had come to me for help two months prior, but they cannot see him till mid-January. Too late? Fingers are crossed. All I can do, since he is an adult, is let him go even when it’s against everything in my heart to do so. Talk about suffering; he just left and not a word since, at least to me and the other kids. I am so fucking heartbroken. He at least see’s Mark at work although communication is work related. We just can’t get involved any more. This is a recent occurrence so this is how my year is ending, losing a son, hoping he comes around and we can all move forward together. The struggle is real folks. I will never forgive myself for not trying harder with him, maybe my only regret in life. Mental health, it says it all, it seems it moving through my house and now he needs attention, if only he would accept the help. There’s the thorn in the bush, those that are most in need do not want to seek help or treatment. I have fallen stagnant on this subject and not sure where to turn from here. Maybe pray he comes back to us, but I fear he won’t. I suppose this is one item I will never heal from.  


With all this past year’s changes, whether accepting of them or not, I must shift with it. Another new season is upon me and this year has not ended as I have wished however I can find solace in that I know I have done everything in my power to balance all of this and move forward. I am not perfect, nor is my family but finding the peace through it is proving to be challenging. Come on 2025, let’s see what curve balls you’ll throw or perhaps I will see more home runs? It just may be reasonable to start off with a new with new tattoo!


If I were to give this year a rating one out of ten, I would choose middle of the road; a big fat 5. I say this since this year has had been all over the place, but progress is slowly shaping itself into something tangible. All that matters is that my family is still here, are relatively happy/loved, and working to make ourselves better. We can be a team in that way even though we are working on our own personal journeys.


Song inspo – Tech N9ne – Something else - fragile


 

 

 

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